As of today, I have attempted to meditate twice.

They have not gone well.

I have always been aware that my brain never shuts off, but I don’t think I was ever fully aware aware until Saturday and Sunday night.

For my first attempt, I realized that my cat, Loki, really loves blanket tents. It’s the result of me putting a blanket over my lap. The absolute best is when I have a blanket over my legs and my feet propped up on an ottoman. He loves to crawl into the gap made between the couch and the ottoman and take a nap.

As you know, the title of this blog directly states that I am not young. Sitting on the ground cross-legged is not an option – maybe with a steady practice of yoga, but definitely not now. I decided sitting in a chair is the best way to begin. With a blanket, this makes a nice little tent under the chair. Within 2 minutes, my meditation was interrupted with the tickle of cat fur on my calves, followed by some sniffing of my knees, and then the heavy plop of his body contentedly dropping itself onto my feet.

And this is fine, except he started to clean himself with much vigor and jostling so that I had to firmly nudge him with my foot.

After this particularly rough beginning, my mind began to fixate on the sound of the wind blowing outside, and the sound of my husband tap tap tapping on his tablet as he worked on his artwork and the sound of the toilet, doing whatever toilets do, and Loki deciding to lick himself again. I thought to myself “I think next time I need to play some calming instrumental music” right around the time Luna came into the room with an indignant meow because no one was in the living room to pay attention to her. I sighed in frustration while Joe scrambled to appease her.

Okay then, let’s start again. Imagine energy radiating to my fingers and toes. Acknowledge my thought and let it pass me by… what does that even mean? Isn’t a thought something to think on? Isn’t that essentially what a thought is? What if it’s a really good thought that I could potentially forget if I don’t think on it some more? What if it’s something I forgot to do? Don’t I need to go do that thing – or, at the very least, write it down?

I do not know how to let a thought pass me by.

On Sunday, I tried again, with music. I even accepted that Loki will probably always be a part of my ritual, which I think is a good thing because don’t witches have cat companions most of the time? I have an overweight cat on my feet as I try to accomplish a small moment of zen, if at all possible. That’s pretty witchy, don’t you think?

Sunday was particularly ridiculous. I started to think about how I really like the smell of incense when the smoke tickled my throat and I coughed. I wondered if the chalice of water I was using for my water element would be okay to drink out of and deciding that maybe it wasn’t when a memory washed over me.

I was 25 and living in Florida, some whim I had to connect with the mother who abandoned me when I was 3 and the half-sister she took with her. My mother is Thai and Buddhist, but 3rd or 4th generation Buddhist – kind of like 3rd and 4th generation Christians, if you know what I mean. Think practicing Lent because you should and only going to church on Easter and Christmas.

So, mom would look at the calendar she got from a local Asian market, and realize that it’s “Buddha Day”. She’d pull some flowers or dandelions out of the ground, fill a glass with water, plop them on her altar, and pray while she was doped up on some illegally obtained Xanax and a glass or two of vodka cranberry.

Sometime later, while I was watching an episode of CSI, she’d wander through the house and anoint our foreheads with the resulting “holy water” and I always asked myself if this was Buddhist because holy water seemed like such a Christian thing. Also, is it holy if you obtained it while being high and drunk? Buddha seems a bit more laid back about these things than Jesus, but I’m not Buddhist, so maybe not. He did say that your body is a temple, but maybe somebody else did. I have no idea.

Anyway, all of that went through my mind because I coughed. That’s how well this was going. Also, in case you’re wondering, I left Florida after a year. My attempt at connection was a mistake. Sometimes that’s how it goes.

I was mentally beating myself up for going down memory lane. I tried to focus, but my thoughts kept heading down varying paths. Maybe, though, if I just acknowledge that this is how my brain works, it will be okay? Maybe part of the reason this isn’t working is because I’m being too hard on myself for not fitting into some box you check for proper meditation? Like Buddhism, I simply don’t know.

What I do know is that I should research meditation further, and possibly spells. Maybe there’s something I can chant in my head to quiet my thoughts.

It’s too early to say I’m a failure at meditation. Practice is key. So is acceptance. I will keep trying and let you know when I have a breakthrough.